From Diagnosis to After Death: A Story of The Lord’s Joy
Do you sometimes wonder if the Lord is around when life is spiralling out of control? What is He doing as we are struggling with pain and life is completely out of our control? Let me share my story.
My husband, Mark was diagnosed with aggressive brain cancer in August 2022 and passed away less than 7 months later on March 7th.
The Diagnosis
A week before Mark started having symptoms, we went camping at Manning Park, one of our favorite places. We normally went camping towards the end of August but last June, Mark checked the reservations and suggested we go camping for the August long weekend.
It was only a week or so later that Mark noticed he was having trouble forming words.
We went to the emergency room the next day and got a scan, and it was that day, we were told that Mark had a brain tumor. To be honest, we were shocked and floored, especially because Mark and I had just done our camping trip—we were hiking 20 km a day. He was fit and active and we’d barely noticed anything.
Two days later, the neurosurgeon told us he was 95% sure it was a glioblastoma which is a very aggressive brain cancer.
All I could say was, no, no, no. I was panicked and tail spinning. I knew what this meant.
As I had trained as a pharmacist, I had some understanding of these kinds of illnesses. I knew the severity of it. Mark didn’t know the seriousness of it right away. But when I told him and communicated just how severe it was, he kind of shrugged his shoulders and said, “Who would have known?” That was his faith working in him. He was so accepting.
But I was scared. I was scared for our future, for myself, for our kids.
During Mark’s first brain surgery, I remember sitting and waiting. We didn’t know if the surgery would alter who he was or if he would lose speech altogether. There were so many unknowns happening so fast.
While he was in surgery, I remember having this conversation with God.
I told God I couldn’t do this. To which he replied, I’m here.
I told God, I don’t want to do this.
To which He replied, I am here.
And then I said, I don't want to be alone.
To which He replied, I am here.
And I felt such a calmness after that. To hear those words. Those words rang in my head. I knew it was going to be a rough road but I’m not alone.
To know God’s love for me was not new to me but this was different.
I had done an Alpha 5-7 years ago and it was a turning point for me. And the very first women’s retreat that Heather Kyhm did at Cultus Lake. The theme was the ultimate love story. I was so green… I thought it would be about my relationship with my husband. And I get there, and it was all about my relationship with Christ. Coming home from that retreat, I was so on fire. Lisa Brenninkmeyer, who does the Walking with Purpose series, she was at the retreat talking about priorities in your life. I came home and started a Friday morning women faith studies at my parish. That’s where my priority was basically putting Jesus first.
And it took a couple of years for me to figure it out. But once I did, it was transformational. And it set me up for the journey I would have to take and truly, give me the foundation I needed to care for Mark well and be sustained by Christ during the cancer diagnosis.
As I cared for Mark, I took it as a gift to show my love to him.
There were times, I was so overwhelmed. The first time Mark had a seizure at home, I was listening to a cooking show when he came into the room and I didn’t know what was happening. I thought he couldn’t breathe or was trying to communicate with me —I’d never seen it happen.
He would have so many ups and downs, setbacks, and new neurological symptoms and it’s so hard to see someone you love getting weaker and losing their independence. Mark’s tumor was in the area that controls communication so his inability to speak was difficult for both of us.
There were times I would cry and feel like I just wanted to cry all the time, and God would just nudge me and give me strength. He absolutely sustained me.
There are so many moments that God was with us.
For us, camping, hiking, and being outdoors is where we encounter God. It was our happy place. Every summer we would go and it just happened that this summer, we ended up going earlier than usual. If we hadn’t, we would have never gotten to go.
Mark and I felt that the last camping trip was God’s gift to us.
The Journey
It was all these little things that pointed to God’s care for us over and over. Mark and I were remaining calm because we knew He was with us in it.
At one point, my oldest son came up to Mark and I while we were resting in the living room. He said, “There’s something more happening here. The way you’re handling things. You're laughing and smiling. And happy. I can see how faith changes things.”
Mark couldn’t speak much at that point. But he leaned forward and mustered what he could to say, so adamantly to his son, “yes.” There was something more happening.
I thank God that my relationship with my oldest daughter is healing. In the spring of 2022, my daughter and her husband moved out of our basement suite not under the best circumstances. I can’t imagine how difficult it was to hear the news that her dad was terminally ill, but we came together and vowed to work at moving forward in developing a relationship between all of us. Thank you, God, for bringing my daughter back to me.
Towards the end of his time in hospice, Mark never stopped smiling – if he was awake, no matter who came in the room, he gave them a beautiful smile. Just to show you the type of person Mark is, he was even smiling through his seizure. The nurses would comment that he’s trying to smile, I said, yup, that’s Mark letting us know that he’s OK.
Marks’ diagnosis said he would have 18 months, and we had just under 7 months together. I knew that things were not going well in December after 30 rounds of radiation and chemo, the tumor was still growing. We were just open and putting our hearts out there.
God was in our lives and guiding us.
After Mark passed away, I was worried that Mark’s calmness was what had been carrying us this whole time. “When he’s gone, am I going to fall apart?”
But that hasn’t been the case. It wasn’t just Mark. God was working in my life. He was and is a strong presence.
Since the funeral, my oldest son has come back to the Church. We’re having conversations about religion and marriage. He’s taking Alpha at our parish this fall.
What it’s brought out in my relationship with my other kids is something that can only be pointed to God.
I’m going to be a grandmother—what joy!
He’s given me the strength and courage to do things I never thought I would be able to do.
What Sustains Me
I have conversations with God and Mark frequently, daily and multiple times a day. I don’t always hear God but I do feel that He is there. I know I’m being comforted.
I listened to a lot of Christian music when Mark was in hospice. I knew I needed to sleep so I started listening to praise and worship music to help. I would leave it on all night so that if I ever woke up, it would still be playing.
This wasn’t just a coping mechanism though. This is a huge part of how I have come to sustain me. To hear those messages over and over again—I’m a daughter of God, loved, not alone, being comforted in times of agony—it was huge. God was talking to me through that music. Without a doubt, I know that.
It’s become a rhythm in my life. I still play it through the night and it reminds me that I know I’m loved. I know I’m a daughter of God. I know He’s looking after me. I know Mark is okay. And I say that confidently. I know that.
Before Mark died, I promised him that I would live. He didn’t want me to be sad... I told him, I was going to miss him and grieve him. But he did want me to keep going. I do have a lot of life to give. And gifts and talents that I want to use and share.
I think of Mark a lot and trust me, I am grieving. It hurts to think that Mark’s path is different than mine for now and that I no longer have my best friend with me. Special days such as birthdays and our wedding anniversary are particularly difficult.
But the truth is, I do feel and experience joy.
I still cry and miss my best friend, but I take one day at a time and then that day becomes yesterday, and you keep moving forward. I remember the hospice staff telling Mark and I that something special was happening within the room – well it was God’s presence there that they were witnessing.
At a recent Sunday homily, the priest spoke about bringing our problems and pain to the Lord which I have done many times. I can’t say that I know why Mark was taken from us at a young age but I do know that He has a plan for Mark, me and the kids and I trust God that He wants the best for all of us.
I consider myself to be just a regular person but when I think of the extraordinary things that have happened in my life, it brings me tremendous joy knowing that God has played a part in all of it and continues to guide, love and support me.
